February 22, 2005

The Jewish Haiku

I'm sure these are old, but I had never seen them before. Pretty dang funny.

Update: A commenter has provided information that these are the work of David Bader from Haikus for Jews. Thanks for the heads up, these are very funny.


After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Harsh Scrabble discord --
someone has placed "putzhead" on
a triple word score.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Tea ceremony --
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese Danish.

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

Yom Kippur -- Forgive
me, Lord, for the Mercedes
and all that lobster.

My nature journal --
Today, I saw some trees and birds.
I should know the names?

Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture at
my dinner table.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

Coroner's report --
"The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold."

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
got it at Loehmann's.

The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
"Force yourself," she chirps.

Jewish triathlon:
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.

"Can't you just leave it?"
the new Jewish mother asks --
umbilical cord.

The shivah visit:
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Our youngest daughter,
our most precious jewel.
Hence the name, Tiffany.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Concert of car horns
as we debate the question
of when to change lanes.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now the cat is gone.

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevaltput my
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis.
Oy! To be fluent

Hard to tell under
the lights -- white Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness?

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services --
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

A lovely nose ring --
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Posted by krudman at February 22, 2005 01:41 PM | TrackBack
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